5 Cringe Worthy Twitter Bio Descriptions to Avoid

Writing a good Twitter bio is tricky, but don’t be a tool, use these 5 examples to avoid giving off that douchey Twitter vibe.

One of the most relevant digital footprints you can leave these days is your Twitter account.  When someone tries to stalk(I mean search) your name on Google, your Twitter account is likely to be on the first page of these search results. More specifically, your Twitter Bio descriptions sizzles a visitor’s interest as to who you are, and what the heck you do.

As such, it’s crucial to make your Twitter bio as succinct and impactful as possible in order to achieve a powerful online presence. Sadly, it’s far too often that I run across mediocre bio descriptions that leave the reader drained of all desire to befriend or get to know you in any manner-let alone follow your tweets. The effect of these bios is much like telling a really bad joke in a crowed elevator- an elevator that has about 100 more stories to go before the awkwardness dissipates for the teller.

Not to worry, writing a Twitter bio description isn’t brain surgery, but just be sure to avoid using any variation of these bio descriptions bellow. You’re welcome.

1. The Junkie

Notable Examples:

Crossfit Junkie, Media Junkie, FroYo Junkie, Football Junkie, iPhone Junkie, Facebook Junkie, News Junkie, Family Guy Junkie, Starbucks Junkie, YouTube Junkie

A lot of Twitter users feel they are being too direct or boring with their professions or artistic passions. In response they tack on some irrelevant hobby at the end of their bios to give their profile some pizzazz.

For example, I recently read a Twitter Profile that went something along the lines of:

“PR and Marketing professional with 15 years of experience. Currently Director of Digital for X Company. Mother of 2 & Cardio Junkie.

Oh boy! I wasn’t going to follow your tweets until you threw me the curve ball about your chronic cardiovascular exercise addiction. An addiction that’s apparently equally life-consuming as a heroin junkie’s need for heroin.  It’s okay to list your passions and hobbies, just make sure it fits into the overall tone of your bio. If it doesn’t, be sure to nix it ASAP.

2. The Nerd (or Geek)

Notable Examples:

TechGeek, I ❤ science, Marketing Nerd, Theatre Geek, Grammar Geek, Hot Nerd, Disney Geek, Pop-Culture Nerd, Media Geek, Public Relations Geek,  Coffee Geek, Nerdy Salsa-Dancer, Web Geek, Nerdy Chick, Social Media Geek, Movie Geek, Music Nerd,

This one’s tough. I don’t really know when it became cool to label yourself a nerd. All nerdom ever got me in high school was a few memorable wedgies(atomic), straight A’s, and major late fees on the V card.

Last I saw nerds committed an unhealthy level of obsession to useful intellectual pursuits- often times at the expense of hygiene, friends, social acuity, conversational abilities(I.e. the million dollar mouth piece),  exercise , a proper diet, sleep, and of course a worthy sex life.

If you happen to be a true nerd, that’s awesome. Own it and be proud. But you’re probably not going through the soul-crushing levels of obsession needed to label yourself a “Yoga Geek”.

3. The Fanboy

Notable Examples:

Belieber , Beiber Fever, Tech Lover, Apple Fanboy, Microsoft Fanboy, iPhone Fanatic, Mac Enthusiast, Movie Buff, Yoga Fanatic, Whisky Lover, Team Jacob, Team Edward, Lover of all things Apple

Action is what defines you. Jonathan Ive might have designed the iPhone, but what’s your claim to fame? Action speaks volumes more about your skill and character than your favorite beverage or TV show. Besides, writing about your crush on technology or love of Yoga, makes your Twitter bio the adult version of a pre-school show and tell day.  And sure Breaking Bad is an awesome show. Like REALLY awesome, but your love of the show doesn’t make you special. My favorite color is Orange. I just farted.  Who cares? Write about the actions that make your life worth living, not about what you salivate over…

4. The Rockstar

Notable Examples:

Social Media Rockstar, Rockstar Athlete, Business Rockstar or Celebrity

This is probably the most criminal of all five on the list. I always see people adding Rockstar at the end of their job title or function. So you’re a Rockstar huh? uh… No you’re not.

Before you assume you’re making your professional accolades more edgy, fun, or novel, just know it doesn’t work. Your profession and rocking out to are two incompatible identities.  Let me make the disparity clear for you-in VERY graphic detail. In some bizarre twisty-windy plot, members of the 1980’s rock band Motley Crew once stuck their dongs(penises) in burritos to cover up the stench of adulterous vagina from their girlfriends. That’s how Rockstars roll. That’s the “Rockstar” mode of problem solving, but I’d apply a different sort of ingenuity in your own profession.

So remember, you are NOT Jim Morrison. You are NOT Metallica. You’re a CPA, Marketer, Chemist, Firefighter, Stuntman or(insert your profession here). And you know what? That’s pretty awesome in its own right. You have something to offer a group of people that is absolutely integral to a functioning business or way of life.

Besides W-T-F is a Social Media Rockstar anyway? Like, you party, have sex, and overdose on the heroin of….Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest? Like a Rockstar? Ridiculous. You have more dignity than that, cut the Van Halen act, Sir.

5. Foodie

Notable Examples:   

Foodie.

NO. Because there is no acceptable reason for a grown man to ever call himself  a Foodie.

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